What I Really Want for Christmas

Note: This is a guest post from Robert Hookey, author of The Bellman Chronicles: Shining a Light on Mankind’s Missteps from the Trenches… in which he wishes for some very practical things.

It’s that time of year again, guys: after-shave, ties and God-awful sweaters are the order of the day. If I could only walk away from the holidays with these goodies…

A lair. I hate the term “man cave”. Caves have spiders!

Teleportation technology. Every man reading this is imagining a million scenarios where this would be invaluable. Just imagine the blind date fiascos this could prevent. I once met a girl who felt “her body belonged to the All-Mighty”. Yep. She told me so as she down wine spritzers. All night. I could have just “popped” right out of there and she would have thought Jesus was bringing me home…

A clone. Michael Keaton may not have been able to pull it off in Multiplicity, but I could make it work, right?

Ultra-cool wheels. A Batmobile would do nicely.

A tank. Not to drive around town, mind you. I’d just park it in the driveway and those little punks down the street would never egg my house again.

Force-field technology. A portable model to keep my over-affectionate aunts at bay and a larger model to protect the house and yard. Just in case those little punks down the street have older brothers.

Smoke bombs. When I need to make a quick getaway and my teleporter is on the fritz…

A utility belt. Yes, I’m a comic book fan. Wanna yell about it? Nerds can’t fight!

A handyman robot sidekick.
One that knows his way around every household chore from fixing a sink to building a deck. I’ve pretty much run out of excuses to avoid my wife’s “To-Do list” by now. He should be waterproof, too. There’s snow to be shoveled in the winter, remember…

Portable wormhole technology. No matter where I hide it, the wife always find my porn, I mean my “erotic drama” stash, so this would be the ultimate gift for the guy who has everything but carpal tunnel….

I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at my ultimate wish list. My name is Robert Hookey, but you can call me The Hook, everyone else does. I’m a husband, a dad, and a superhero – in my mind. I’m also a bellman/starving author. My first book, The Bellman Chronicles, details my daily adventures in the Canadian hospitality mecca that is modern-day Niagara Falls, and is available on Amazon and for the Kindle.

Its a great read, even if you’re sober.

Big thanks to Robert for sharing his Christmas list. You can also follow him on Twitter at @theterriblehook. If you’d like to share something here on Dumb White Husband, check this out.

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  • reply ElGuapo ,

    …and now Amazon is being overwhelmed by readers searching for all of these items…

    Merry Christmas Hook, and hope you get all of these and more!

    • reply deborah-bryan.com ,

      I, too, would like a utility belt–not just any, naturally, but the kind Batman would wear! :)

      • reply jobryantnz ,

        I like your list…a lot.

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