What Fathers Really Want

Ah, Father’s Day. A day when a couple people ask you what you want or what you might want to do and the answer is almost always, “I don’t know.” or “Whatever.” Not that I’m down on the day or anything. I like any day where I’m the one being celebrated. It’s just that I just don’t really think about stuff that I want all that much. 

Well, that’s not really true. I think about stuff I want all the time. Somebody asked what I want for Father’s Day, so you know what? Here’s my list.

(And ladies, I guarantee you that if you come home with any of the items on this list, your dude will think you’re the coolest chick in the universe. I promise you that if you show him this list and he disagrees with anything on it it’s because he’s either already got it or he’s lying.)

First on the list is this kickass Viking Axe. GET IT HERE

“Why do you need a Viking Axe?”

Because Viking Axe. That’s why. I can fell a tree or smite a man, or I can just hang it up on my wall so when people come over I can show them my sweet Viking Axe. The uses are positively endless.

Next on the list is a Kegerator. GET IT HERE

Now, I did wrestle with this one a bit because it’s sort of expensive. Like, you could buy two refrigerators and fill them both with beer for what this thing costs. But then I started to think. There’s this guy in the neighborhood who has a kegerator. I’ve met two people who know this guy and one of the first things they told me about this guy was that he has a kegerator.

“Hey, do you know John? On the corner? Yeah! Real nice guy. You should meet him. Has a kegerator!”

When two complete strangers describe a third complete stranger as someone I need to get to know because he “has a kegerator,” I start to wonder how many friends I don’t have because I don’t own a kegerator.

Oh yeah, and it keeps you beer cold too.

I really want this because I really love Calvin and Hobbes. GET IT HERE

This one has been on many lists for a long time. I don’t really know why. I have all the original books and all the collections. But for some reason, the desire to own this set overrules the fact that I already sort of do. Oh well, why fight it, right? 

Next we have very expensive Storm Trooper Armor. GET IT HERE

Why the hell not? No, I asked you first.

Honey, if the Axe store happens to be out of sweet Viking Axes, you can always take me cage diving with great white sharks. GET IT HERE

I’ll change all of the diapers, do all the dishes, and put away all the laundry for a whole year if you get me this. I’m not lying.

Actually I was pretty much done but then I realized that I was getting hungry. Did you know that eBay sells steak? GET IT HERE

That’s a pretty good deal. It’s not a Viking Axe or a Cage Dive, but I’ll bet we could enjoy a steak before and after the dive, and I could even cut the steak with my axe. Why don’t you just throw it into the cart and we’ll have a steak dinner while I admire whichever of these sweet presents you got me.

Father’s Day is gonna rule.

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  • reply Benjamin Wallace ,

    I felt the same way about the Calvin & Hobbes treasury. I have it now and I’m a better man for it.

    • reply Jason Laughlin ,

      I prefer to get my steak the old-fashioned way: from a cooler in the back of a meth addict’s van. Man, I miss living in Denton sometimes…

      • reply Scarydad ,

        Huh, now all my targeted advertising links are pictures of steak.

        • reply Anonymous ,

          In college we had the equivalent of a kegerator, but we just made it out of an old refrigerator. We ran a spigot out through the side, and the
          coors guy brought in a new keg about once a week. Worked well.

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