I watched the new Lone Ranger movie with the kids the other day. I had wanted to see this movie despite its poor reception at the box office, with critics, with all ten people that paid to see it, my neighbor’s friend who knew a guy who saw it and most of Western civilization. Because how bad could it really be?
I heard and read many reasons for its failure to find an audience: the character had fallen out of public consciousness, too long, white guilt delivered in a heavy handed fashion. But, everyone has an opinion, right? I’d heard bad things about other movies this year and after watching them I have arrived at the conclusion that most everyone is overcritical of movies.
These whinybitches would have you believe that no movie has ever been good. They will find the tiniest fault, drop it on an image in the biggest font and sit back on their high-horse with a certain smugness that no one has ever really earned. Truly, they have made me begin to think that not everything on the internet is true.
So despite the myriad of reasons given for The Lone Ranger sucking, I watched it. And, I was right. All of the reasons given in the countless reviews and status updates for why The Lone Ranger sucked were off the mark.
It sucked for a whole lot of completely different reasons. For brevities sake I’ll just focus on one:
They took liberty with the character. Now, that really doesn’t bother me. I’m not a die hard LR fan and he hasn’t been relevant since the last time they screwed up a Lone Ranger movie, so normally I’d say, “Go nuts.” But they made him this whiny, lame pacifistic loser.
Now this seems fine, you think, because, he’ll eventually overcome this, learn to do what’s right, train in a montage with a friendly moose. He’ll have to learn to catch a beaver with his bare hands, but won’t be able to. He’ll have to wrestle a bear to earn the bear’s respect. He’ll grab arrows out of the air like a Wild West ninja! He’ll scale mountains, he’ll outrun deer and he’ll finally catch that damn beaver, pull it from the water, kiss it and then realize he kissed a beaver and spit the taste from his lips as he places it back in the stream. Then he’ll emerge as the true hero the world needs him to be.
I don’t think I’m ruining the ending by saying that he does become the hero he needs to be. But if not by the means of Mother Nature’s montage, then how?
Seriously. He grabs the silver bullet, says some bullshit about being a spirit warrior and suddenly he’s not a clumsy douchebag.
I understand they were trying to make him the comic relief to Tonto’s lead, but, here’s an idea, if you’re going to make him comic relief, GIVE HIM SOME OF THE DAMN JOKES. Don’t just make him the biggest wuss the silver screen has ever seen. You will be actively rooting for him to die. If you can stay awake.
I couldn’t. I dozed off and when I woke up I seriously thought I was watching one of the Zorro movies. The plot is the same. The characters are basically the same. Both feature US Generals that look just like Custer to foreshadow that hubris will be there downfall. But, at least Zorro’s not a whinybitch. Actually, you should watch that instead. It’s a better movie. And Catherine Zeta Jones was…wow.