Totally (un)Factual Menu Choices for the (sub)Greatest Family Holiday Get Together (N)EVER!
*Names have not been changed to protect anybody
since none of this crap is real
Great Aunt Eliza’s Sweet BBQ Meatballs:
Can’t serve these because George’s girlfriend Betsy is allergic to Paprika. If you leave out the Paprika everyone’s going to complain that the meatballs don’t taste right. I’d say make them anyway, but we all know about Betsy’s lack of self control. She’ll most likely forget her Epi-Pen, and fitting her through the door to get to the hospital will become difficult the larger she expands. It’s not like I have a mini-van, it’s a mini cooper.
Artichoke Spinach Dip In Mom’s Homemade Bread Bowl:
Nobody noticed until the dip was nearly finished last year that Darmody threw up in the bowl. I kinda doubt you forgot about that. I doubt most of us will want to go there again.
Tortilla Chips & Salsa:
Grandpop Joe’s cracked dentures? Plus, most of the older relatives are on strictly bland diets. You didn’t have to clean the bathroom after they left last time. I did. No thanks.
Veggie’s & Ranch Dip:
If we steam the carrots to make them soft it might work. Cucumbers give me the toots. The little one’s forget to chew sometimes so the small tomatoes might be a choking hazard. As long as we find diet/light/no-pepper Ranch dressing for the dip… let’s make it easy and use a bowl of lukewarm water instead.
After the Great Wishbone incident of 2013, we need to make certain that Holace and Minerva are completely separated this time. Going to the emergency room on Thanksgiving really pulls down the holiday spirit. Sure, we all got to sign their casts, but the cost of the surgery raised my premiums and I almost lost my insurance.
Mashed Potatoes & Gravy
Two words: Food and Fight.
Green Bean Salad
Does anybody really like green beans? They look weird, they smell weird and they taste like the inside of a donkey’s bung. Don’t ask me how I know that. (Late 1980’s Asterdam trip. ‘Nuff said)
Traditional. Healthy. Yeah, Christina felt the overwhelming urge to floss so she could get the ants out from between her teeth. Yeah, she cut her gums pretty deep. It’s her own fault she took all that acid before coming over.
I love the plop sound these make squishing from the can. None of you noticed any of the blood from my finger. I admit, it added a nice salty zing to the typically boring, sour, mushy vegetable. Unfortunately I couldn’t find the tip in the bowl when I was doing the dishes. That’s why my hand looks all funky. I guess someone got some extra protein.
Remember back in the peaceful days when our family would actually eat the pie? I still have the recipe that Great Great Great Grandmother Beatrice made at Plymouth Rock. It doesn’t even need whipped cream. So smooth and creamy…Yum. I don’t think I’ll put in the effort and slave over it this year if you guys are just going to smush it in Gertrude’s hair and shove as much will fit into Charlie’s nose.
Lactose intolerance is a loud, stinky thing.
I think I washed my hands after picking my nose. Then again, those might be chocolate chips. Who knows?
Chose two options:
Oatmeal Raisin, Chocolate Chip, Brown Sugar Iced, Snickerdoodles, Cream Filled, Jimmy Sprinkled, Fingernail Clippings, Eyelash Trimmings, Dry Skin Flakes, Mint, Onion and Garlic, Peppermint, Steak (Rare or Medium), Salted Caramel iced or Hershey Kisses in the middle.
Honestly, I’d rather just make PB&J. Who cares about Barthomomeu’s peanut allergy?