Santapocalypse: aka The Santa Talk


My son lost a tooth the other day and I am an amazing tooth fairy.

When I remember.

The point is, I forgot.

But this opened up a decent opportunity to have the Santa talk with him.

My son is ten and better than any other kid in every other way. It is only due to my ninja like Santa skills that he still believed in the jolly elf. Kind of. The kids at school were pretty hard on him last year and liked to tell him that Santa wasn’t real. They told him it was really his parents because they’re bastards. Every last one of them. Bastards.

This year we decided to prevent the ridicule and clear up any confusion by telling him the truth—that we had lied to him since birth because it was fun for us.

We asked him what he thought about Santa. He told us what the other kids said. And though it sounded like he really wanted to believe.

We explained that we were Santa. We bought the presents. We wrapped the gifts. It was all us. All along.

He didn’t really seem that surprised. He just smiled and nodded as if his suspicions had been confirmed. We made him thank us for the years worth of gifts Santa had gotten the credit for.

Then I gave him a dollar and told him I was the tooth fairy, too.

It blew his damn mind.

His entire reality came crashing down.

He asked if I was the Easter Bunny as well.

When I confessed, the world as he knew it came to an end.

It was over. All innocence was gone forever.

Maybe it was too much to take all at once. Maybe the kids at school hadn’t ruined that for everyone yet. Maybe they assumed outing Santa would have a domino effect with all the imaginary and benevolent figures.

But it wasn’t so.

While our son suspected the truth about Old Saint Nick, he never thought for a moment the tooth fairy would betray him.

It was over quickly. All that was left was to threaten him with severe consequences if he ever told his brother and sister.

So he now knows the truth. The threats have been made. Christmas will go on.


Yet another free short story from the guy who brought you that last free short story.

Tommy has a problem. His friends are here to help.

Tommy’s friends are worried that his prepping is getting out of hand.

It’s no so much that he’s prepared. It’s what he preparing for.

This new short story has been called:



“I can’t believe you’re making jokes about something so serious!”

“You’re a horrible person!”

How to Host an Intervention will be released on November 30th and you can only get it in my newsletter.  Sign up today and find out why I’m such a “blight of humanity!”



Spread dumbShare on Facebook0Pin on Pinterest0Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+0Share on LinkedIn0Share on Tumblr0Share on StumbleUpon0Print this pageShare on Reddit0Email this to someone
  • reply Matthew Smith ,

    The tooth fairy at our house last time left a present but forgot to take the tooth. Two nights in a row. I told my daughter that the tooth fairy would come back for it and it (eventually) happened. I managed not to bust out laughing over my daughter’s puzzlement as to why the fairy left a present but didn’t take her tooth. I’m a smooth operator.

    Leave a comment