Rules For Getting Through The Coffeepocalypse


It’s Wednesday morning, and you’re running late.

You totally remembered to set the alarm on your iPad, but the kid stole it to play Toca Monsters while you were in the shower. So when the time came to hear the soothing sounds of your Partridge Family ringtone, the device was well past earshot. Thus, you scramble to get everyone ready only to find out that, despite the fact that your son has five pairs of shoes, none of them can be found anywhere. Eventually you decide the cowboy boots will just have to go with the skinny jeans, and tell him he’s dressing up as a member of our favorite band, Thunderpants. Then, just when you think everyone is situated and you may have a bit of time to get your coffee and lunch ready, the baby decides it’s a far better time to unleash a brown wave of diaper mutilation that seeps through her clothes. Now you’ll have to redress her, along with a quick wet wipe bath.

Welp, looks like you’ll have to buy your lunch today, Dad. Which is no big deal, really.

The problem here is you’re out of your pre-ground gourmet coffee that sits in the freezer, and that means you’ll have to put up with the throngs of people in your office cafeteria’s coffee kiosk, hording the area like it’s the fountain drink area at Cici’s Pizza on a Friday night.

Or, as I like to call it, THE COFFEEPOCALYPSE.

It’s not the coffee itself that’s the problem, although if that’s really Seattle’s “Best,” then your town is overrated. The problem here is I’ve patterned two places in this world where the depravity of man is most evident (uhh, other than the INTERNET, of course.) One of those places happens to be the road. For some reason when far too many people get into their cars, they suddenly act as though they are the only person on the road. And if you think you’re cruising solo on the streets of Plano Texas, then you’re about a stick and a weiner short of a corn dog, son, and I question the validity of your license. And the OTHER place people go to pretend they’re alone in this world? That’s right, the coffee kiosk in the office cafeteria.

But it doesn’t have to be this way, kids.

That’s why I’ve compiled a list of 3 Rules of Etiquette for Proper Coffee Kiosk Behavior:

1. Pay for it first. Sure, I get it, I suppose. The kiosk is specially designed for you to prepare your own morning joe, bastardized with cream and sugar to your liking. But this isn’t 7-11, pal. There are some of us who are ordering breakfast in addition to our delicious breakfast drink, which we have to get in line to do. And nothing annoys me more than having to get in ANOTHER line to get coffee in the first place, so it gets my goat even further when I know those queued ahead of me haven’t even paid for it. “But Jason,” you might be thinking, “you could just get the coffee first, then order your almost-everything bagel (NOTE: I refuse to call it an everything bagel until they add bacon.)” Yeah, well, screw your perfectly-viable logic. I’d rather see my transaction go through first. There are people who walk around grocery stores who consume an item, and then bring the empty wrapper or bottle to the checkout stand. I hate those people, and I put those jerks who pour before they pay in the cafeteria under the exact same category. If you’re one of these people, then when the real apocalypse comes I hope you’re consumed by the earth itself.

2. Move out of the dang way! Psst, hey buddy. Can’t help but notice you’ve topped off your cup there. You think maybe you could add your 12 packets of sugar somewhere else? There are some of us REAL coffee drinkers who need to just pour a cup and enjoy the coffee as is. You take your repurposed coffee-flavored froo-froo drink over to Weenie Hut, Jr. where it belongs. Seriously, I just want to grab a handful of sugar packets, spend way too much time shaking them together in order to make sure all the sugar gravitates to one side, and then slap you across your stupid face with it. And when those apocalypse bells finally toll, I hope the zombies bite off your sugar-shaking hand first.

3. Shut up and pour. Here’s what I don’t get: it’s an unwritten rule that guys should never spark up a conversation while in a public restroom. Actually, if you’re in any bar restroom in Denton, that’s probably a WRITTEN rule as well (care of Sharpies markers, of course; plus your mom isn’t nearly that promiscuous, one might hope.) It’s a great rule, and one that I feel needs to be enacted in other areas. Because for some reason -and guys are the worst about it- a lot of people just want to break out with the watercooler chat right in front of the spot where some of us are a scant few feet away from fulfilling our desperate need for caffeine. And what’s worse is they cannot seem to talk AND pour at the same time. If I’ve said I’ve grown a distaste for any bad habits regarding proper kiosk etiquette, this would be my least palatable act. And should the actual apocalypse occur, I hope the fallout makes your tongue…well, FALL OUT, I imagine.

Anyway, these are the rules for making the already dreaded idea of getting coffee in the cafeteria a much more pleasant experience for everyone but the selfish jerks who perpetuate this bad behavior. As far as dealing with the selfsame people who get into their cars? Well, lately I’ve been pulling up beside people at stoplights and, noticing they aren’t paying attention to anything outside their windshield, will rev my vehicle and quickly move forward a couple feet in front of me. I’ve almost made two guys rear end someone so far. It’s pretty therapeutic.

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