Our Toenails Are Wrong

Nope, nope, nope.

That is exactly what I thought when I was trying to enjoy my shower after a long week of work and child rearing. I just stood there, mid-lather, and stared at the latest “tool” my dearest husband left out and didn’t bother to reshelve. But this wasn’t just any hammer, wrench or screwdriver — this tool had been abandoned to rust amongst my girly soaps, conditioners and loofa; I was taking a shower with a pair of TOENAIL CLIPPERS.

Nope. Just a big, fat “NOPE.”

I’ve always heard that when you are in a committed relationship that you should choose your battles wisely. Well, I couldn’t tell how COMMITTED I was as I thought about toenails trying to go down the drain. Let’s get one thing straight: I have never found toenail clippers in the shower in the five years we’ve been married. This was a new development (evolution seriously baffles me). And, after my ­­­­oogy twitching stopped, I was able to collect some thoughts. The perpetual man-friend and myself discussed that maybe he doesn’t do that anymore for several reasons — most notably my sanity and our mutual home plumbing.

I have no intention of going all OCD Monk up in here; I can understand people who shave in the shower and brush their teeth in the shower (weirdoes), but toenail clipping lives on a level of grooming that I normally wouldn’t talk about in mixed company and definitely wouldn’t execute in the shower.

But generally, men can’t win when it comes to toes:
1)   You can’t wear flip-flops with pants. Girls can barely pull this off. Men just can’t.
2)   Your toenails are too long or too rough. Gnarly man nails lead to you scratching the sheets at night, or worse, cutting my ankles all up. Playing footsies is dangerous when your toenails are too long. If my feet are bleeding, I’m not “in the mood.”
3)   Trimming your toenails CANNOT be done in front of us — the sight and sound is almost unbearable.
4)   The worst is when sock lint gets caught under the little corners of the nail and your piggy-that-went-to-market is woolly. This is very distracting. VERY. I can’t concentrate on any sexy time things if your toenails have more fur than a drag queen.
5)   And to make matters worse, if you were to go get your nails maintained at a professional establishment, it would be called a pedicure and you would have to hand over a man card. As your wife, we both know how few of those you have left.

I hope I’m not the only one that has a thing about toenails. I hope there is a choir of women agreeing with me and I’m not just up here singing an awkward solo rant about man toes.

I have no solutions for these problems I just created. All I can say is don’t leave your tools out.

About Crystal Roznik – I’m a sarcastic open-book-loud-too-much-information type of person that offers more advice than what I should be permitted to give. My husband is the quiet, peaceful type that rolls his eyes at me more and more each day. I have two small lady children I obsess over with all forms of social media. I have a huge fixation on pie and Mike Rowe. I design stuff for money. I pretend I can write. I’m currently involved with a strange self-proclaimed goal to run 50 5Ks in one year. And I blog… kinda.
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  • reply Danielle Young ,

    Eww, toenails! I don’t just hate toenails, I hate feet in general. I can hear the clipping now. Ugh! *covers ears* great way to start the year!

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