Our Collection is Wrong

Dear Husband: 
You are wrong about “the collection
After you move in with your beautiful, bright and shiny new wife and unpack your belongings, you become wrong — immediately. Women have spent our childhood dreaming of our home; we are hardwired for nesting and preparing the home. We have Pinterest boards, scrapbooks and magazines dedicated to “decorating and keeping our home,” then we move in together and suddenly we are faced with where to put the 1,000 action figures, that ratty recliner or the FLIPPIN’ FANTASY SWORD COLLECTION. The silent battle of decorating has begun.
As the wife, we want to honor our husband’s pre-matrimonial belongings, but we also can’t have a dragon figurine prominently displayed in the kitchen. Every man has that ONE (or more) thing that just isn’t going to go with our “vision” for our home’s overall aesthetics. Moderation is the key, and we have to moderate constantly because our husband WILL sneak that recliner back into the house any chance he gets.
My husband has a sword collection. (*Sigh of defeat while writing this.) He loves his swords, and some have sentimental meanings — but some are an “original” rusty Japanese sword or a 5 ft., 20 lb. swords from a manga cartoon. Yes, he has a dull version of the Kill Bill Sword and at one time owned a $100 replica of a lightsaber. We even cut our wedding cake with a shorter ninja sword that I think might have been owned by a turtle named Leonardo.
The first time I saw this particular collection I was in a dungeon. Sorry, let me back up. I was a teenager and had just walked into my boyfriend’s bedroom for the first time. I really hadn’t spent much time in “boy” rooms, but I was promptly terrified of all the hand-to-hand medieval weaponry, dragon posters, and a Magic the Gathering playing card collection. To specify, there were axes that were crossed above his bed, a Celtic tapestry, a life-size Halo helmet, bows and arrows, a Wolverine claw-like weapon that was super sharp, a set of sais (he has all the Ninja turtle weapons) and a bunk waterbed with the red/black colors. Think, Howard Wolowitz room, but with more steel.
Disclaimer: I married this nerd man. He is taken, ladies, and he reads all my stuff before I put it on the Internet to last forever on a website called Dumb White Husband. And because of him, I will be able to pull out my personal deck of Magic the Gathering one day and play with my son, if I ever have one.
Now, after moving into our first apartment, there were some discussions and some give and take. Now, after five years, his nerd weaponry collection has dwindled, but we still currently have a katana over our bed. Compromise.
Recently, there has been this one fantasy sword that keeps creeping into my living space. It’s like that creepy elf on the shelf and just appears above the backdoor, or on the shelf behind the couch, or nailed to the wall on the foyer. And every time I find it, I just move it back to the master closet behind the clothes “for safe keeping.” Then, a few weeks later, it creeps back.
I fully blame Game of Thrones.

So men, please understand that we can respect “the collection” in our own time and in our own way, like every morning while getting dressed in the closet, but the Excalibur is NOT going on the mantle. Also, your recliner will look great in the garage with your workbench and that poster of the Dukes of Hazzard.

About Crystal Roznik – I’m a sarcastic open-book-loud-too-much-information type of person that offers more advice than what I should be permitted to give. My husband is the quiet, peaceful type that rolls his eyes at me more and more each day. I have two small lady children I obsess over with all forms of social media. I have a huge fixation on pie and Mike Rowe. I design stuff for money. I pretend I can write. I’m currently involved with a strange self-proclaimed goal to run 50 5Ks in one year. And I blog… kinda.
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  • reply Anonymous ,

    Scarydad here.

    Nope. Sorry. Swords are awesome. Edged weapons and tools in general are way cooler than most of the things that women like. To prove it, think about this: People don’t line up and pay admission at museums to look at drapes or decorative pillows. They do, however, line up (and pay) to see old swords and helmets and stuff. Swords rule.

    • reply Danielle Young ,

      I will admit when my husband and I first got married we warred constantly over his collection of what I called crap. But over time I learned to accept his collection and find a way to incorporate it into my idea and vision of home decor. Plus my inner geek took over and we now have a good size Halo display in the living room. You would be surprised how well it looks in shadow boxes. Sometimes you just have to compromise and give up the fight. I like the Halo figures and am always looking for other awesome things to add to the collection!

      • reply Scarydad ,

        I have several swords. One year my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I showed her the link for a certain sword that I wanted. She said, “You don’t even use the swords you have.”

        I told her I’d start using them more often if I could have this one. And she got it for me. Does that mean she wants me to stab folks? I think it does.

      • reply Crystal Roznik ,

        “You DON’T even use the swords you have” is exactly what I told my husband right before I walked into a “sword shop” in Waco and bought him those God-awful wolverine claws.

        Also there is a museum that people pay admission to go see decorative curtains and pillows, its called the Martha Stewart show.

        And Danielle, that is gonna have to be some really dark shadows in that box to make a “good size” Halo collection look good.


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