Olympic Closing Ceremonies – A Prediction

Another Winter Olympiad is drawing to a close, and I think the world’s reaction is, “well, that was definitely something.” Countries that were supposed to do well did well. Countries that had no chance contributed new footage to the “agony of defeat” reel.

It goes without saying that if given the choice, Russia would want a “do over.” The leading Twitter trend during the games was #sochifail, it cost them an extra $30B, and their men’s hockey team fell to the Americans (and eliminated by the Finnish, don’t think a new coordinate for an ICBM wasn’t plugged in after that game).

Even the opening ceremony left people scratching their heads as to the entertainment choice and VERY selective history of Russia that was portrayed. Reminder: they did a ballet dance to depict the Bolshevik revolution, Lenin’s oppressive rule, and Stalin’s tyrannical rule.

With all of this in mind, I’ve tried to predict what the Russian congregation might do during the closing ceremonies to round out the experience. These have been selected below due to their high probability of happening:

- A bare chested Putin riding on the back of a black bear declares himself the supreme winner of the games

- A Pussy Riot riot breaks out

- Russia gifts every departing Olympian with one stray dog

- A touching “in memoriam” tribute plays featuring the Russian men’s hockey team and the guy responsible for the opening ceremonies ring that didn’t open

- Putin declares that the borders are closed and everyone inside is an immediate Russian citizen

- Russian medalists in the stands begin bartering their medals for American blue jeans

- The Russian policeman’s choir sing Daft Punks “One More Time” and all Olympians are forced to compete again

- Everyone is given their instructions and bribe money to use in order to leave the country

- Holographic Lenin and Stalin tag team a duet of “memories”

- The world watches as Putin plays Obama in a winner take all versus match of Tetris

- While closing the lid on an overstuffed briefcase, the Olympic Committee announce that Pyongyang, N. Korea is the obvious choice for the 2022 winter games

- Yakov Smirnoff sits on the knee of Vlade Divac to close out the night with a killer ventriloquist act

- Everyone in attendance is strongly encouraged to leave positive feedback for their hotel on Tripadvisor

- Putin announces that Bob Costas is Patient Zero for Commie Pinko Eye, epidemic to follow

- It is officially revealed that Russian dressing is really just Catalina dressing

- The KGB announces they have a “best dressed award” for Johnny Weir, and for him to “please meet after show in dark alley”

- The “black widow” is revealed to really be Scarlett Johansson as a marketing stunt for Captain America 2

- It is announced that the prophylactics distributed in the Olympic village were made by the same people who built the hotels

Thank you Olympians, that’s my time. You have all made your respective counties and Zeus very happy with your efforts.

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