My twins came home today proud of their performance on a test of continents and oceans.
They said they got all seven continents and five oceans correct.
“Four oceans,” I said possessing a college degree.
“No, Daddy. Five oceans.” They said being seven-year-olds. “The Atlantic Ocean. The Pacific Ocean. The Indian Ocean. The Arctic Ocean and the Southern Ocean.”
What the fuck is a Southern Ocean?!
So here my brain starts to twitch because I’ve got two kids in two separate classes telling me there are five oceans when my head is yelling at me that there’s only four. But I’ve also had enough to drink since 4th grade geography to question my own memory. So, I let it go until I get home. Then…
TO THE INTERNETS…
And, it says there are FIVE oceans: the four the whole world grew up with and some shit called the Southern Ocean.
How did I not know about this? You’d think that a discovery of a whole new ocean would warrant some kind of news story. They’d put the grizzled sea captain up on YouTube scurvy and all to tell the harrowing tale of how he and his crew, despite the rickets, discovered a whole friggin’ ocean we didn’t know about. That couldn’t be.
Upon further internetting I found that I’m not crazy. There was no Southern Ocean…until 2000. And it wasn’t discovered, pioneered or ventured into, it was just made up from parts of the Atlantic and Pacific.
Why did we need another ocean? To make us look stupid in front of our kids, that’s why.
That’s why Pluto isn’t a planet.
That’s why Indigo is no longer a part of the light spectrum.
And that’s why math now looks like a logic problem from the back of a MENSA kid’s meal instead of fucking math.
We didn’t need another ocean.
And now I look stupid.
Thanks again, Science.
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