Leaving the Toilet Seat Up is Wrong

You don’t drive around the street with the hood of your car up. You don’t leave the microwave open when cooking your Hot Pocket. After you grab a cold beer, you don’t leave the rest to get warm with the fridge ajar. And you don’t play your Xbox with the disc player open. Really, it’s not THAT difficult to close things. So…is it really that problematic to pivot the damn toilet seat the ENTIRE EFFING 90 DEGREES? Is it? IS IT?!
No. No, it’s not.
My husband has a mutation; his genes have evolved into a superior man that includes X-Men capabilities that gift him with the ability to always — always— put the toilet seat lid in the horizontal position. I have never, in the 10 years we have been Facebook linked, ever caught the toilet seat lid up — EVER. He is also proudly furry like Wolverine, just with less adamantium.
So basically, all you men who leave the toilet seat up and have uber horrible aim are in big trouble, because my lifelong man-friend has proven that this anomaly is possible even if you have the Y chromosome. It’s not MY dumb white husband that is wrong this Wednesday…it’s the rest of you.
I know what you are thinking. “Her man is a pee-sitter, and she doesn’t know.The horror crossed my mind. He was raised by a mom and two older sisters, but I like manly men and if I found out that my bearded and flannel-wearing dude was a tuck and pee sitter, then I was about to start rethinking the notion of “soul mates.” So a few years ago, I did what anyone would do — I peeked. I’m your standard, Class A over-sharer, but my husband and I DO NOT potty in front of each other. That’s our line we don’t cross. But in this case, I was curious enough about my husband’s manliness that I peeked. The bathroom door wasn’t locked and it didn’t creak. To this day I thank the porcelain gods he was standing back-turned, toilet seat up, midstream, peeing like a man. I am just lucky to have found an X-Man who can leave the bathroom with the commodeseat in the downright position.
Yay for me! This is bad for the other millions of women who suffer in the middle of the night with falling into the crapper. Husbands, boyfriends, sons, and dads: Do your ladies a favor and just rotate the lid the entire 90 degrees. You are strong. I promise, it’s not that heavy.
And to the few of you disgusting gentlemen who don’t even flush — #1 or #2 — this is your only warning.  I can name names. You are the lowest of the low and need to evolve yourself into being able to push the little lever located on the side of the throne. Think of it this way: It’s just like that little toggle on an Xbox controller. You can manage THAT, can’t you?

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  • reply Crystal Zint-Roznik ,

    There are no comments… its cause I’m right.

    • reply Alice ,

      You sound a horrible person. Leave the seat up, it’s much more hygienic.

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