The Gentlemen’s Guide To The Apocalypse: Safehouses


Deep down no one really hopes for or wishes the apocalypse to happen on their watch. The simple truth is that it will happen to 8 billion or so people when they least expect it. And they’re so gonna wish they read Dumb Whit Husband in November.

To reward your faithful readership, I am prepared to share with you a deeply scientific, deeply strategic breakdown of places to hole up when the dark day of tribulation comes. And in the end times, just like our current times, it’s all about location, location, location!

 

GUN STORE

Not a good long-term solution, but definitely swing by if you can within the first 5-25 minutes of the apocalypse so you can stock up on stuff. Be sure to act nonchalant, like you don’t even know the end times are here so they treat you like a valued customer and not a looter. And definitely use your credit card.

 

GROCERY STORE

Stay away. This place will be like the opening melee scene from the Hunger Games with people willing to brain each other for a box of off-brand “sweet flaked corn.” Also, once the power shuts off, the spoiled milk and meat in this place will smell like crotch rot.

 

DOCTOR’S OFFICE

Sure, they’ll be some medicine and supplies here, but unless you’re a doctor you’d probably end up accidentally killing yourself by taking acrylic acid instead of acidsalicylic acid. Plus, this place will be looted by people trying to score a fix.

 

VET OFFICE

Constant smell of flea & tick shampoo is a major turnoff. Plus, this place will be looted by animals trying to score a fix.

 

CHURCH

Normally this is the first place I tell anyone to go in a crisis, but stay away during the apocalypse. All of the people there are going to be so pissed that they were left behind after The Rapture that they will most definitely not welcome you back like the Prodigal Son.

 

MILITARY BARRACKS

Consider at your own risk. Sure, it will probably be secure with weapons, rations and testosterone, but you will always be taking orders from someone for the rest of your potentially short life. Add to that you’ll probably get a nickname you hate like “Specs” or “Tiny.”

 

SNO CONE STAND

It is such a weird option, everyone would think, “only an idiot would hole up in a wooden shed with nothing but paper triangle cups and 70 bottles of syrup.” It’s perfect!

 

YOUR OFFICE

This is a case-by-case situation. If you are a white collar drone, this is a good option because people hated being there when they had to, so nobody will come back when life as we know it is fading away. You’ll have suitable bathrooms, a coffee station and your pick of everyone’s left over ketchup and pepper packets in their desk drawer.

 

EDITOR’S CHOICE: BARNES & NOBLE

This is by far the top recommendation to use as your safehouse during the apocalypse. At its best you have large place that smells like wisdom with plenty of racks to construct door bars and miscellaneous traps. Not to mention a typically nice bathroom set up AND an in-house Starbucks for you to enjoy a nice cup of joe, uh for free!

Plus you’ll have tons of resource books at your beck and call when you need to learn things like “survival skills” or “Vaudeville acts of the 1920s.”

 

I hope you take these words to heart if you’re left holding the end times hot potato. It could mean the difference between life, death, or really crazy-bad apocalyptic mutant death.


 

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