Did It Myself: Homemade Child Bribes

Did It Myself
Being handy is expected of a husband. In fact it’s written into most state wedding licenses because they don’t expect you to read the whole thing. Some husbands are naturals and for the rest there’s Scarydad. He’s always been handy and he’s here to share his tips on everything from appliance repair to gardening to yard art worthy of any dumb white husband.  

Most times when I sit down to write these things I don’t usually worry about stepping on the other Dumb White Husbands’ toes too much.We all have our own niche and since we’re self-proclaimed experts in our respective fields there’s not a lot of crossover. Other times I sit down to write one of these and think, “Damn, how many toes canI step on with this?”
This is one of the toe stepping-on kind.

It’s got a recipe. (Sorry Danielle) It’s got a gadget. (Sorry Todd) It’s got jerky (Sorry Chris).  It’s got some whiskey, (Sorry Liam) and it’s got other stuff (Sorry everyone else).
Let me back up a little. A couple weeks ago my wife called me outside because she couldn’t get out of the garage. The garage door opener had crapped out and she was stuck inside. I heroically pulled the string, lifted the door, and let her out. When I was done I went inside to the cool air-conditioned house and pulled a batch of fruit candy out of the dehydrator.
Yeah, it’s too damn hot to talk about garage door opener replacement today. I’d much rather talk about all the wonderful things we’ve made since I got a food dehydrator off Amazon a few weeks ago.
“Why a dehydrator?” my lovely wife asked.
“Because they dehydrate stuff and you really like jerky.” I said
“Okay, whatever.” she said.
She didn’t respond with words but the way she rolled her eyes and walked off said, “YES! TAKE ME NOW!!!”
I went online and found a recipe for jerky. Five hours later we were chewing on dry meat just the way nature intended. It was okay but it was missing something. The second batch soaked in whiskey for two days before I put in the other ingredients. It was better but still not good. It was right about here that beautiful wife took an interest. She stepped in and started whipping up killer jerky marinades that, well, make excellent jerky for the whole family to enjoy. She’s working on some now, actually.
But this story isn’t about jerky. It’s about candy and kids.
The dehydrator came with this piece of flat plastic in one of the trays. I looked it up in the manual and they called it a “leather sheet” and gave some recipes. Apparently, this is how Fruit Rollups are made. Remember them? Yeah. They’re nothing more than mushed fruit dehydrated on a sheet and “rolled up” for future consumption. I’ll admit, I never thought that much about Fruit Rollups. I was always more of a Star Crunch guy. But the little plastic sheet in the dehydrator fascinated me.
¼ banana
½ pound strawberries
¼ cup blueberries
1 tsp lemon juice
1tbsp honey
Mix it all up in a food processor and pour it onto greased parchment sheets in your dehydrator and in a little while you’ll have FRUIT CANDY!!!
This is the best stuff ever! You just chop up whatever fruit you have around and put it in the dehydrator and a little while later you have Fruit Rollups. Or banana candy, or pineapple candy, or whatever.
I’ve made little batches of each and when my kid is good she gets a piece of candy.
You see, this is the genius behind this. Just one strawberry; a single strawberryyields five pieces of candy. That’s FIVE individual bribes. 
Bribe maker – get it here

I am using food that I actually want my kid to eat to reinforce good behavior and she doesn’t even ask for junk treats anymore. When she asks for candy I ask if she wants pineapple or banana. And as I give her a dried apple slice the size of a nickel as a reward for doing something awesome, she jumps up and down in anticipation, never thinking for a second that it’s anything other than the best thing ever.
When my wife asked, “why a dehydrator,” I never thought to say that we could use it to overcome the ‘kid wants snacks and all we have is crap’ situation, but it seems as if that’s exactly what we accomplished.
Well, that and some sweet beef jerky.

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  • reply Danielle Young ,

    Genius! I’m a little ashamed I didn’t think of it first! Go you using a recipe and everything :) See husbands do learn!!!

    • reply Todd Trann ,

      Hey, I like whiskey too!!!

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