Cyber Monday Is Now Officially Dumb

Man, I loved me some Cyber Monday deals back in 2007.

Since then? Meh. There are definitely deals to be had on this newly christened holiday… just like the online deals the day before… and the week before… and the month before.

Sorry Cyber Monday, you are no longer cool and here are a few reasons why:

•The big draw used to be “FREE SHIPPING!!, But nowadays if you don’t get free shipping when you’re buying a Blu-ray box set of Alf on a random Tuesday, you’re not buying it.

•Who uses the word “cyber” anymore? Old people and reporters on Nightline, that’s who. You might as well direct people to your Geocities site on the world wide web while you’re at it.
•You do realize that your friend Black Friday has now creeped into Thanksgiving Day, right? The Walmart riot squads are able to wrap things up in time to make it home before the foil is put on the leftovers. People be shopping all Friday, Saturday and Sunday so their credit cards are already maxed out by the time you show up.

•Your friends in the marketing department have sold you out due to slow or lackluster sales. People’s Tuesday morning inbox is a cavalcade of emails with subjects like, “Cyber Monday Deals Extended!” And Wednesday, “WHY AREN’T YOU BUYING OUR STUFF?!”

•Merchants have made you uncool. For instance, massage studios and AC repair places shouldn’t be allowed to tout “Cyber Monday Deals!” This is the equivalent of your grandparents joining Facebook.

•Other merchants are turning you into a low-rent swap meet. The old school Cyber Mondays were solid brands, solid products, for solid prices. Now the best deals are for bizarre TV brands, like Hiawatha, or a ski parka for 70% off (size XXXL only). Junk at a great price is still junk.


Cyber Monday, you do have one thing to be thankful for – you aren’t Small Business Saturday (the world’s biggest eyeroll).


Dumb White Husband vs Santa

Erik has planned the perfect Christmas for his family. The plan is foolproof, bulletproof and flame retardant. Nothing can undo the hours of planning and preparation. Nothing but odd-shaped packages, ill-timed fruitcakes and an errant neighborhood Santa Claus. Get it now and have a Merry Christmas.




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