Conspiracy in the Yard

As fall approaches Scarydad has begun closing down his garden. While digging around in the flowerbeds he has uncovered something more than he expected. It’s not a snake. Don’t get squeamish.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty nice here at Castle Scarydad. The kids have been good, nothing of consequence has fallen apart (nothing I couldn’t fix anyway) and most of all, the weather has been astounding. And by astounding, I mean high 80’s and rainy. Yeah, we actually look forward to that here. It’s the little things in life, let me tell you.

So, Houston August came along and burned up whatever was left in the gardens and it was the first of September when we cleaned them out and prepped for our fall plantings. This mostly consisted of adding some compost, fertilizer, and some additional soil before planting some new plants. We also got a couple dozen bags of shredded wood mulch to dress the other beds around the house.  It was while I was standing in line at the garden center that the something occurred to me:
We live in an odd place, this America. We live in a place where we pay people to remove the organic matter from our yards and then, on the very same day, make a special trip to a store to pay somebody else for some organic matter to put onto our yards. And most of us think this is a totally normal thing to do. I know it never struck me as weird until now, and even after being stricken with the notion that this is a totally weird and irrational thing to be doing, I’m doing it anyway. 
Then, something else wormed its way into my head, something that probably sort of ought to have been there before but for all my dumbness and knowledge of 90’s heavy metal: The City of Houston has an ordinance that requires people to use special compostable bags to dispose of yard waste. Nobody actually follows it because the bags suck but it is still the law. And the reason they require this is that the city has a contract with a company that collects all this material, processes it, and then sells it as mulch and fertilizer and stuff to garden stores and landscapers. So at the end of the day I pay for the pick-up service either through HOA dues or taxes, I pay for the removal (or I do the work myself) and then when it’s all done I go to the garden store to buy it all back, carry it home, and put it back where it was. I feel like I’m Neo just waking up from the Matrix. What other vile conspiracies are occurring? And out in plain sight too! I just feel like I need to tell someone…
 I don’t know what to do with this knowledge except for try to get it out there. I’ve seen beyond the veil and now I’m scared. I don’t know how deep this goes but for God’s sake, the mayor of the fourth-largest city in America is involved, so, I don’t know, I guess it’s pretty big. I just hope I’m spreading my conspiracy mulch correctly so as not to raise suspicion. I’m going to sign off now and pretend like everything is normal and I’m not even going to think about the source of their bone and blood meal fertilizers. Not going to think about that at all.


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