dumb white husband

Santa’s Stereo

Ladies and Gentlemen. I must warn you, I’ve been drinking. That may mean that I slur from time to time or use questionable grammar. I hope to edit this in the morning but if I don’t, this is your trigger warning. There came time I was supposed to stop believing in Santa Claus because that’s […] Read more

Hanukkah Bush

Dad never let us have a Tree. It’s not that he was religious. We didn’t go to temple or anything like that. I think it was his way of keeping us close to our roots. Even though we knew what the answer would be, every year my sister and I would continue to ask for […] Read more

TOYS! Wonder Woman Shield

What happened was, a few months ago my daughter’s little friend across the street got some Ninja Turtle stuff for his birthday. Among other gear, he received two foam swords and some masks. When Spawn went over to play, she was handed a sword and a mask and told to get ready. Within a few […] Read more

An Especially Dumb Cyber Monday

Welcome, Cyber Monday shoppers! We’ve got an incredible deal for you here at Dumb White Husband. Sure, we have books for sale, and that’s all well and good. But just in time for the holiday season, we also have the toy of 2014! You won’t find it on store shelves, but don’t worry! We’re holding […] Read more

Black Friday Has Changed

If there is any contemporary event the most closely resembles the apocalypse it’s Black Friday or some horrific disaster that I’m belittling by making that joke. Though he’s hung up his one armed leather jacket, Jim was once the Mad Max of Black Friday. Here he relives one of his greatest moves.   -ben   […] Read more

Dumb White Husband vs the Apocalypse

Maybe it’s the Ebola. Maybe it’s the terrorism. Maybe it’s that I’ve been watching too much Doomsday Preppers. It’s doesn’t really matter why, it only matters that it’s Apocalypse Month!  Writers have no shortage of thoughts on how the world could end. I imagined it in Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors as well as Gone to the […] Read more

The Scariest Books We’ve Read

It’s October. The weather is getting cooler, the days are getting shorter and all basic cable programming has turned to grainy nightvision footage. Even Animal Planet. It’s the second scariest time of year next to the last day of school. To celebrate we’re going to share with you the scariest books we’ve ever read. Click the […] Read more

Adjacent to Affluence

When you go to the beach with your kids, it is a “family trip.” When you go to the beach with your spouse, it is a “vacation.” A sweet, succulent and somewhat elusive event where you are able to actually relax and not have your head on a swivel to make sure kids don’t brain […] Read more

Pets of the Apocalypse

Buy it now. Laugh later. It’s been quite a week here in Big D. There’s the Ebola popping up in the same hospital my twins were born. You may have heard a little about that. But, I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about since all of my Facebook friends appear to be experts on the […] Read more

The Week’s End

It’s been a busy week here at DWH. Quite frankly, we’ve earned a couple of days off. We’ll be back on Monday. Here’s what you may have missed. Clayton shared an awkward childhood moment with us do we could all feel better about ourselves.         Danielle shared a baked bean recipe with […] Read more

The Romantic Adventures of Blinker Boy

Believe it or not, I wasn’t always as awkward as I am today. I used to be worse. There was a point in my life where I went through a phase called “the teenage years.” Those years were a hideously awkward time for me, especially the early portion. I was more of a reader than […] Read more


What do you think of that? Our good friends at Duck Soap Box (it’s just Crystal) have been hard at work redesigning Dumb White Husband and we are excited to finally say, “Look at it!” Look at it. Stare at it in all its wonder. It’s easier to get around. It’s easier to find old […] Read more

The Regenerating Degenerate

Did It MyselfBeing handy is expected of a husband. In fact it’s written into most state wedding licenses because they don’t expect you to read the whole thing. Some husbands are naturals and for the rest there’s Scarydad. He’s always been handy and he’s here to share his tips on everything from appliance repair to […] Read more

Giveaway: Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors

It’s not like us to be this generous, but we have another giveaway going on this week.  You can enter to win a signed copy of Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors.  You should do it. Autographed Copy Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors by Benjamin Wallace Giveaway ends September 06, 2014. See the giveaway details at Goodreads. Enter to win

Welcome to the New Paranormal

A Vampire Faces Middle-Age My character Joe Vampire has gone through a bunch of crazy stuff over the years. Bad relationships, bad get-back-on-the-horse dates, bad experiences with booze and sushi. Good times with new friends and old friends. Hellacious moments with vampire hunters and undead prostitutes and moments of existential questioning that would drive someone […] Read more

Don’t Blame Technology

People blame technology for too many problems. This isn’t new, and I’m surely not going to stop it with one article, but stay with me for a couple of examples and then feel free to chime in with your comments below. Look at the simple case of automated checkouts. These stand-alone stations that let you […] Read more

5 Pick-Up Lines I Have Used, and How Hard They Failed

We’ve found us another dumb white husband. Please welcome Clayton Smith to DWH. He’ll be writing a column called Do You Have This In Awkward? We’ll have a bio and everything for him shortly but in the meantime we have this: Clayton is a Midwestern writer who once erroneously referred to himself as a national […] Read more

Why you don’t get a hobby.

“Why don’t you get a hobby?” Ah, how many sitcoms plots have launched with those words set as a countdown? Because you’ll get trapped in an ice fishing shed. Because you’ll get trapped in a submarine built in the basement shower. That’s why you don’t get a hobby. Maybe your wife has asked you the […] Read more

Light Bulbs and Dinosaurs

Superman has Lex Luthor. Idiots have Reason. I have light bulbs. For eight years in our new home it seems I never changed a light bulb. For the last three years it seems I’ve changed one everyday. So when it came time to replace the light bulbs in the living room, I upgraded to LEDs. […] Read more

Happy Memorial Day

Enjoy the time off from work. Fire up the grill. Enjoy every minute with your family and friends. Make a day of it. Drink too much. Eat too much. Get too much sun. Take it all in. Just take a few minutes to appreciate who gave it to you. Raise a glass, can or bottle […] Read more


The A-Team. A rag-tag pack of heroes who swooped in to save this week’s guest cast of ordinary folks in over their heads. Baddies of ugly muscle bound sweaty men with guns and usually a background of prison time or turncoat special-ops military types. Lots of witty banter, catch phrases, car chases and buildings going […] Read more