Hey kids! Who’s ready for a DWH physiology lesson?
Here’s a little thing about teeth I didn’t know before I turned 40: apparently, as you age, they tend to drift toward the middle of your mouth. Which explains why mine are no longer in the same structure as they were when I was 30. Or 35.


Or 39.

Damn you, 40.

So there I was, watching the teeth that I brush compulsively (but which I don’t floss as much as I should, because…well, there’s no reason besides laziness, actually) slowly move like headstones in a mudslide. A really slow mudslide. They were pushing each other out of the way in a race to reach center stage. I imagined eventually they’d all be there, just piled up on top of each other. One big mega-tooth on top and one on bottom, like a mole rat.

It’s kind of cool when I think about it now.

But it’s not what I want.

So, in much the same way I would if I knew my kids had a similar situation—which they actually have had, in fact—I took action.

I now have braces. The traditional kind, not the invisible ones (or, as my brother-in-law hilariously referred to them, “the ones just like Wonder Woman’s plane”). In addition to feeling as if I look like a silver-headed twelve-year-old, I’m having to get used to the sensation of having my teeth in a cage. The first few days were tender, which was to be expected. A week in, I find myself wondering if I can game the system and sneak them off for a while each day. Just a little bit, until the sensation of having those ridiculous nubs slicing into the inside of my cheeks.

I’m anticipating permanent nerve damage in those spots.

And I’ll probably lose weight, too, since chewing with these things falls somewhere between laughable and impossible. Do you chew on the inside or the outside? Do you clamp down every time, or do you roll the food around and let it soften before you really dig in? Half the time, I end up with food falling out of my mouth and a line of drool running down each corner. That can’t be right, but I think I’m gonna go with it for now. And no matter how much I brush or floss now, it feels like there’s always something stuck in my teeth.

Oh…that’s right. There is.

IT’S BRACES.

You’d think it would be difficult to forget the immoveable wirework slicing into my flesh. So far, my memory of it is fifty/fifty at any given moment, which is a good sign. Hopefully things will get easier as the newly-orthodonticized feeling wears off. For now, I’ll be keeping track of just how silly this becomes. There may be another post or two coming.

If so, I promise I won’t drop half-chewed food on them*.

My keyboard won’t be so lucky.

*This is a joke…I actually do understand that it’s impossible to drop food on the internet.

By the way: There’s a new Joe Vampire short story called Night Falls coming on Thursday, March 6th. This one is all about a new guy in Joe’s office who blows apart the sarcastic undead dude’s theory about how vampires are in real life. As you’d expect, hilarity ensues. Or at least that’s the intention. Watch here or click over and like the Steven Luna (https://www.facebook.com/thestevenluna) and Joe Vampire (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Joe-Vampire/124729834297025) Facebook pages to be signaled on release day. 
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