Ask a DUMB WHITE HUSBAND – Whatcha Doin?

Why does my husband always ask me, “Whatcha doin’?” when he walks in the room, even if I a) am clearly changing a diaper, b) am obviously using the toilet given that the door to the toilet closet is closed and we don’t have cable in there, or c) I’m making retching noises with my head buried in a garbage can?
- Mercy

In general we ask what you’re doing, even if we can clearly see what you’re doing, to show that we are caring and engaged.

By asking we are acknowledging that we see you there (to wave indoors is just stupid) because, you may not realize it, but there’s a time limit. If we walk into a room and you see us before we see you, there’s a good chance you’re going to think of something for us to do. “Whatcha doin?” not only sounds innocent, it also triggers the “he’s such an idiot” reflex. Science has proven that as long as you’re thinking that we are stupid, you can’t simultaneously be thinking that something needs to be scrubbed, picked up, lifted, cleaned, repaired, moved, retrieved, talked to or decided upon.

A simple, “hi”, while acknowledging that we saw you, will not trigger the “he’s such an idiot” reflex.

This adorable and devious ignorance was not actually our idea. It was the cat’s. We’ve watched for generations as women have cooed over the cute curiosity of the feline as it timidly sniffs everything or darts its eyes about the room after a bug. The whole time you’re thinking, “that’s soooo cute” and not “that thing just shit in a box and I’ve got to clean it up.” The cat – evil and brilliant.

As for your specifics:

a) am clearly changing a diaper  – I’m not sure if I could visually identify a diaper so I’m going to skip this.

b) am obviously using the toilet – We’re trying to get you to say, “poopin.”

c) I’m making retching noises with my head buried in a garbage can? – Seriously, you’ve got your head buried in a garbage can? Whatcha doin’?

I hope this helps. And if all I did with this answer was make you hate the cat, well, I’m okay with that.

- DWH

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  • reply Gutmeister ,

    As a dumb white husband myself, I’ve learned over the years to never ask what she’s doing because inevitably I’ll soon be doing it as well. Instead, I act like I’m looking for something, scratch my head and get the hell outta there while the getting’s good.

  • reply Scott ,

    Whatcha doing question also let us gauge how mad the wife is with said DWH. also good at finding out if she knows about stuff you did while she was not around.

    • reply Scott ,

      The whatcha doing question also let us gauge how piss off wife is at said DWH. Also good for finding out if wife found out how you spent the last 3 hours while she was grocery shopping with four kids. DWH spent those hours watching TV and not doing the list that was left for him

    • reply Scott ,

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