Ask a DUMB WHITE HUSBAND – Watching Sports

How can I get my wife to let me watch all the Philly sports games?

- Carl @unhappypainter

Good question, Carl. I’ve done some research – which consisted mainly of watching bits and pieces of National Treasure this weekend on TV – and, unless Nicholas Cage has lied to me, Philadelphia is the birthplace of American liberty.  It was there, in your great city that Nicholas Cage said that 55 men signed the Declaration of Independence. These men signed that document with the knowledge that they would be held accountable for treason should they be caught. They did it for Liberty. Liberty – the freedom fromcontrol, interference,obligation, restriction, hampering conditions, etc.. etc.. These men, in Philadelphia, signed these words: 

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creatorwith certain unalienable Rights,[75]that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

So, it was in the halls of Philadelphia that freedom was born, freedom was wrought from the despotic grip of a tyrant that generations of Americans could be free to do awesome things.

And freedom still rings throughout streets of Philadelphia, from the Liberty Bell (which I don’t think really ever rang at all) to the Rocky statue (which kind of just stands there but is awesome anyway). Why does freedom still ring? Because we still celebrate liberty with every Flyers’ goal, every 76er’s basket, every Eagle’s touchdown and, yes, some people still watch baseball. Your cheers, Carl, are the voice of liberty. Your applause is the force behind freedom that guarantees that children will grow up in a free world.  It is your hands clapping that drive the engine of a world without tyranny.

You tell your wife all of this, Carl. Tell her it’s not just wrong to miss a Philly sporting event, it endangers the freedoms that our forefathers established in the great city of Philadelphia. To miss a game is just un-American.

That or get a tablet that streams TV and develop “lactose intolerance.” Insist on milk for every meal.

Good luck.  


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