The Appliance Apocalypse

We speak in jest about the day that the machines will rise up and kill us, enslave us, or whatever. It’s been the subject of two decent Swarzenegger movies and one great Estevez film. We laugh and buy our tickets and our popcorn and, later, go to bed thinking how crazy that is. The machines will never rise up. And if they did, we could probably take them, right?

But what if the plan was the other way around? What if instead of rising up, they all just simply decided to stop working at the same time? How long could you survive without all your machines? Well you might want to read a book on how to start a fire or something because I think the apocalypse has begun and it began at my house.

It all started a couple months ago. Bride of Scarydad called from the driveway to say that the garage door wouldn’t shut after she’d backed out. I disengaged the motor and lowered the door. I bought a new opener and changed it out a few days later. No big whoop.

A few days after that, the light in our breezeway went out. When I changed the bulbs, nothing happened so I had to replace the entire fixture. Not a difficult repair but not a fun one either, especially after a long day at work. So when I was done I went to wash my hands and noticed the faucet dripping.

A call to Moen and they had the parts to repair the faucet shipped the next day. That’s the same day Bride pointed out that the dishwasher had a clog or something because the water wasn’t draining. YouTube and I got that thing taken apart and put back together that same night, no problem.

I was spared a bit of handymanshipness for a few days until the sink parts arrived. Once that was done, the faucet handles in our bathroom decided to loosen up and get all wonky. I got everything else fixed and held my wrench and screwdriver out like talismans and asked the craftsman gods to please spare me any more repairs for at least a little while.

The next morning I went to open the garage door. It came up about a foot, then went back down. Well crap. Something must have been up with the new opener. I went inside and disengaged the motor and tried to lift it. Damn if that thing didn’t budge. I’m a pretty strong guy so I gave it a good try once more but it wouldn’t move an inch. Seems one of the two giant springs had decided to snap and the door was being held down by the other one.

The craftsman gods apparently said no.

This was a repair that was out of my league. It was also my birthday and I didn’t want to risk breaking my hand in a dozen places on that most holy of days, so we called in a guy. I think the craftsman gods are mad at me for doing that because now there’s a really not good-sounding sound coming from the fridge.

I’m so tired.


HowtoHostIntervention_cover

Yet another free short story from the guy who brought you that last free short story.

Tommy has a problem. His friends are here to help.

Tommy’s friends are worried that his prepping is getting out of hand.

It’s no so much that he’s prepared. It’s what he preparing for.

This new short story has been called:

“Hilarious!”

“Fantastic!”

“I can’t believe you’re making jokes about something so serious!”

“You’re a horrible person!”

How to Host an Intervention will be released on November 30th and you can only get it in my newsletter.  Sign up today and find out why I’m such a “blight of humanity!”


 

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