Today we welcome Jim Foronda to Dumb White Husband. Jim will be heading up all things geek. Is he qualified? Jim has been the voice of Duke, Cobra Commander, Opitmus Prime and Megatron as well as appearing in many video games including the Borderland series. He’s spent the better part of two decades making toy commercials and is probably the the reason your kids drive you crazy. So, yeah, he’s qualified.
Who got one of the new consoles last November? Anyone? PlayStation 4 or Xbox One? Did you preorder as soon as GameStop would happily stuff your cash in their coffers? On the eve of the midnight launch, did you wear your replica COG tags and/or Ellie & Joel T-shirt while standing in line for your pretty new machine? If so, I give you an awkward virtual fist bump across the internet while wearing a platform-neutral Abstergo Entertainment shirt and pressing a shiny new button to post a picture on Facebook of my ruthless pirate assassin petting a puppy.
When you think about it, being an early adopter is kind of a pain in the ass.
There was a time when you had to camp out overnight to get a Next-Gen Console™ on launch day, but thanks to the video game retail industry practice of preordering, you don’t have to camp out to purchase a console anymore! Instead you have to camp out to preorder – those suckers sell out before they’re even made.
You may plan on eventually becoming a dual-system owner, but unless you’ve saved up for the occasion, are independently wealthy or still live with your parents, you have to pick which new console you’re going to get first. This is an important decision you must make on your own and never, ever divulge your choice to anyone. When you go to trade in stuff toward the purchase or put down your deposit, speak directly to the clerk and don’t make eye contact with anyone else in the store. Otherwise, one or more rabid fans of the opposing console will zero in on you with the sole intent of proving that you are, in fact, an idiot. For the last year, your average GameStop has become a nightmarish fusion of Tron and West Side Story.
Return right before midnight, receipt clenched firmly in hand, and take your place in line according to your console number. Don’t laugh at the second line filled with people who didn’t preorder. That’s very mean and chances are it’s a long, dark walk back to your car in the parking lot. Enjoy the final wait. Every launch is a communal experience, like a little Woodstock or Burning Man, only with less naked people. When the clock strikes 12, get your new toy, go home and get to gaming – after spending an hour or so downloading all the firmware updates.
Being a hardcore early adopter, you’ll enjoy a nifty but anemic selection of launch titles. There’s a good chance your friends will still be playing on theOriginal Console™, so have fun playing online against random people who’ll say really terrible things about your mom. By the time your friends get their hands on a Next-Gen Console™ you will have played the crap out everything for it and gone back to playing your Original Console™. And it’ll be like that for a while because, after launch day, nothing good comes out for around 5-6 months.
Aren’t you glad you decided to go for launch? This is the price we pay to play the newest new thing as soon as possible. Dumb? Yes. Fun? Definitely.