Clayton Smith

Clayton is a Midwestern writer who once erroneously referred to himself as a national treasure. His most endearing trait is his inability to listen to reason. He is not entirely sure that yetis don’t exist. He writes books and plays, mostly.

  • A Good Old-Fashioned Christmas Rant

    Pffft. Kids today, with their laser monsters and their Minecraft boxes and their Real Housewives dolls with interchangeable martini hands and f-bomb voice boxes, am I right? I walked into a Toys “R” Us last week, just for kicks, and you know what I found? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that look like they’ve been injecting […]

  • An Especially Dumb Cyber Monday

    Welcome, Cyber Monday shoppers! We’ve got an incredible deal for you here at Dumb White Husband. Sure, we have books for sale, and that’s all well and good. But just in time for the holiday season, we also have the toy of 2014! You won’t find it on store shelves, but don’t worry! We’re holding […]

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  • An excerpt from Apocalypticon

    An excerpt from Apocalypticon, a post-apocalyptic buddy comedy road trip horror adventure by Clayton Smith   The soup was easily the best thing Ben had ever tasted; carrots, celery, onions, kale, white beans, basil, and thyme, seasoned with healthy amounts of pepper and unhealthy amounts of salt. The flavors danced together in a symphony of […]

  • The Bright Side of the Apocalypse

    Okay, yes. The apocalypse is a horrible thing. Cities will crumble, the seas will boil, poison gas will melt your face into unseemly puddles, and pretty much everyone you love will die. But hey, it doesn't all have to be doom and gloom! There are a few upsides to the end of the world. Parking - When 95% […]

  • The Boy Who Trucked With Crows

    The Boy Who Trucked With Crows Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a village called Brightsbane, where it was always nighttime, even at the height of day. A wizard, you see, had stolen the sun from the sky many years before. The stories said that he swallowed it right down. […]

  • “Trick or Treat, Pervert."

    Being on the homeowner side of trick-or-treating makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know the rules. I do know that 364 days out of the year, if a child rang my bell and I offered it a fun size candy bar, I’d have police at my door within seconds. But here we are, the one day […]

  • The Scariest Books We've Read

    It's October. The weather is getting cooler, the days are getting shorter and all basic cable programming has turned to grainy nightvision footage. Even Animal Planet. It's the second scariest time of year next to the last day of school. To celebrate we're going to share with you the scariest books we've ever read. Click the […]

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  • Free Words from a Dumb White Husband

    We live in a time of miracles, you guys. A time when you can march right into a hospital, shout, “Give me a new heart!” at the top of your lungs, and tuck yourself in for a comfortable operation that’ll replace your clogged, sickly heart with a brand new, shiny, much-less-likely-to-explode heart. Ah, yes. These […]

  • The Rusted Corridor: True Stories from the Amtrak Lincoln Service

    Amtrak runs a route between my original home, St. Louis, and my adopted home, Chicago. That route is called the Lincoln Service. I’ve ridden it quite a lot in the five years since I moved to Chicago. It is always awful. Here’s another true story from my travels. -Clayton It is nighttime, and I am […]

  • Read or Be Stupid: Crimes in Southern Indiana by Frank Bill

    Reading is important. It makes you less dumb, it improves your memory and it makes you less dumb. We want to encourage reading so we’ll be posting book reviews here from time to time. Check them out and read, or be stupid.  Review by Clayton Smith     Crimes in Southern Indiana by Frank Bill […]

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  • The Romantic Adventures of Blinker Boy

    Believe it or not, I wasn’t always as awkward as I am today. I used to be worse. There was a point in my life where I went through a phase called “the teenage years.” Those years were a hideously awkward time for me, especially the early portion. I was more of a reader than […]

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  • Sink Sunk

    Last summer, my wife and I finally had enough of our bathroom’s pedestal sink. “Enough of you, you cabinet-less abomination!” we shouted at the top of our lungs. “Out, you cursed, porcelain spite!” We congratulated ourselves on some first-rate verbal declarations, then we went to Home Depot, bought a new sink, and heaved the box […]

  • The Rusted Corridor: True Stories from the Amtrak Lincoln Service

    Amtrak runs a route between my original home, St. Louis, and my adopted home, Chicago. That route is called the Lincoln Service. I’ve ridden it quite a lot in the five years since I moved to Chicago. It is always awful. Someone decided it was a good idea to bring a four-year-old on a 7am […]

  • Read or Be Stupid: Tomorrowland by Joseph Bates

    Reading is important. It makes you less dumb, it improves your memory and it makes you less dumb. We want to encourage reading so we'll be posting book reviews here from time to time. Check them out and read, or be stupid.  Tomorrowland by Joseph BatesReview by Clayton SmithSome books are good. Some books are […]

  • Do You Have This In Awkward: On the Subject of Gay Volleyball

    As a tall, white male, it’s my genetic responsibility to be good at volleyball. It’s a burden that I try to shoulder as often as possible, because I once heard that exercise is good for you. And so it was that I found myself playing in a recreational volleyball league not so very long ago […]

  • 5 Pick-Up Lines I Have Used, and How Hard They Failed

    We've found us another dumb white husband. Please welcome Clayton Smith to DWH. He'll be writing a column called Do You Have This In Awkward? We'll have a bio and everything for him shortly but in the meantime we have this: Clayton is a Midwestern writer who once erroneously referred to himself as a national […]

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