A Roast of the French

Ahhh, the French. They’ve contributed many, many things to this great, wondrous ball o’ dirt we occasionally pee on, such as the oboe, modern film, and Canada.

But they’ve also brought us useful things as well. Who can forget the first time we actually stuck our tongue in the mouth of someone we liked (or at least tolerated enough to look past the unhygienic quality of the act?) And what about those of us who actually kinda sorta like French dressing almost as much as every other available salad dressing option? Also, hey, Detroit! Sure, it’s a modern socioeconomic failure in terms of, well, EVERYTHING. But screw all that, dude: Robocop trumps all.

Alas, my complete lack of good examples aside, there’s one creation that can make even the most anti-frog of us java cravers into avid francophiles.
And that, my friend, is the French Roast. It is in this columnist’s opinion that French is the darkest roast one can venture into and still dare call itself coffee. Sure, to roast the bean a minute after the second crack will produce what is known as either a Spanish or Italian (read: espresso) roast. But that’s damn near incineration, and results in a ‘burnt’ taste. And if I want to taste burnt stuff, I’d let the wife do the cooking in our household, wokka wokka wokka!

Also, for obvious reasons, I prefer she not get her hands on the cast-iron pans.

An important caveat, though: bear in mind that the darker the roast, the less caffeine. That’s because more moisture content is lost the longer the bean is roasted, and caffeine is generally broken down and dissipated alongside the moisture. However, that same chemical/moisture breakdown is also what helps create the oils on the outside of the bean. And more oil = more flavor.

“But Jason, are you actually telling me that espresso has less caffeine than a medium roast of coffee?” you may or may not have picked up on and asked. Well, without getting into the gritty details of it all, the answer is YES. However, when you’re looking at a more concentrated amount brewed into a smaller volume of water, it will appear as though it’s got a little more power packed into that dainty little cup. I liken it to a glass of beer as compared to a shot of whiskey. Technically they will raise your BAC fairly equally upon separate consumption. One just takes significantly less time to move onto the next cup (or shot, whatever.) Anyway, the 20 seconds of research I put into this shit piece seems to suggest that I’m correct. But I’m always willing to hear anyone’s opposing view on the subject.

Your move, creep.

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