5 Pick-Up Lines I Have Used, and How Hard They Failed

We’ve found us another dumb white husband. Please welcome Clayton Smith to DWH. He’ll be writing a column called Do You Have This In Awkward? We’ll have a bio and everything for him shortly but in the meantime we have this: Clayton is a Midwestern writer who once erroneously referred to himself as a national treasure. His most endearing trait is his inability to listen to reason. He is not entirely sure that yetis don’t exist. He writes books and plays, mostly.

Here’s his first post. Enjoy.

Meeting women is hard. We are not good at it. Any guy who tell you he is good at it is likely under the influence of psychotropic vanity. 
Frankly, the fact that some of us eventually end up in long-term relationships is shocking beyond belief. How I came to be married to an extremely cool woman is a complete mystery that I’ve decided not to delve too deeply into, lest I tip her off that she’s made a terrible mistake. Suffice it to say, I did not lure her in with any of the following pick-up lines, taken directly from the Guide to Clayton Smith’s Awkward Social History:
When a bartender in Florida told me she’d never seen a basement - “You want to see a basement? You come up to the Midwest, I’ll show you a basement. You’ll never get out of that basement.”
Magnitude of Failure: 100%
Girls in Florida are too worried about serial killers these days. I blame Dexter.
When my friend Tom and I wore the exact same pants on a night out - “How many pairs of the same pants do you want on your floor in the morning?”
Magnitude of Failure: 100%
When I was dared to use this one at a bar – “Hi. Do you like stuff?”
Magnitude of Failure: 83% 
Against all odds, the girl in question actually smiled and said, “Yeah, I do.” Seriously? This was actually working? If I’d known girls are into guys who inquire about things like “stuff,” I would’ve planned for a follow-up comment. Instead, taken totally by surprise, I said something like, “Oh. That’s…………cool.” That pretty much ended that.
When my friend Millie and I got bored at a party - Millie took my hand, led me over to a group of girls, and said, “This is Clayton. He’s a shy boy. Will you date him?” while I just stared at them in silence.
Magnitude of Failure: 103%
This gets an extra few percentage points of failure because the girls physically retreated. Which is probably for the best; if one of them had taken us up on the offer, the next step was for Millie and me to surprise her by handcuffing ourselves together for the entire date. Because friendship is important.
When I approached a girl sitting all by herself at a gigantic lunch table - “So. Black Plague, or what?”
Magnitude of Failure: 0%
Against all reason, this one actually worked! Miracle of miracles! I ended up dating the girl in question for a full two and a half weeks, which made it my third-longest relationship at the time. So don’t lose hope, kids. Always dare to dream.
What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever used?(And, more importantly, what was your magnitude of failure?) Let me know in the comments so that I can take solace in our shared awkwardness.
DID YOU KNOW: My book of short stories, Pants on Fire: A Collection of Lies, is now just $0.99 forever and always. It’s true. Really. You can trust me.

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  • reply Anonymous ,

    Worst I’ve had used in me:
    How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, fried or fertilized. Ihad to run away to the bathroom, so that would be 110% failure.

    • reply Clayton ,

      Sooooo…you’re saying the old “fastest way to a woman’s heart is through exuberant pregnancy threats” saying is…false?

      I’ll never understand women.

    • reply alex ,

      i did not use this but a “friend of mine” did. we were in a club and deeply in our cups. he walked up to a pair of finely dressed women and said:
      “Stop the grinnin’ and drop the linen’
      Put the lipstick on my dipstick”
      A black eye and bloody nose ensued.

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