February 2014

D.I.M. Alternator

There’s a Viagra commercial in heavy rotation. It shows a grizzled old Viagra user driving an old car down a dusty highway. The car begins to steam and the guy pulls into a service station, buys a bottle of water and pours it into the radiator. The gravelly voiced narrator exclaims, “You’re at the age […] Read more

A Very Special Dumb White Husband Movie Night: The Oscars

The Oscars are Sunday. It’s that one special night of the year where the stars of Hollywood turn the cameras on themselves for a change and shower themselves with praise, glamor and really nice gift bags. This year, we’ve decided to join them. We’ll be watching and tweeting our “support,” “encouragement,” and “not-at-all-sarcastic thoughts” during […] Read more

I Battle With Pacifism

I nearly went to jail the other day. Handcuffs trapping wrists together behind my back, stuffed in the squad car’s uncomfortable back seat, a half-drunk Judge’s gavel echoing between the courtroom walls. Law and Order clank of cell bars shutting me in for an extended visit. It almost would’ve been worth it too. Autistic kids […] Read more

Giveaway: The Big Book of Dumb White Husband

This website actually began as a short story about a guy going to the grocery store. It was called Dumb White Husband vs the Grocery Store. I wanted to write a story about the stereotypical sitcom husband and give him something he had never been given—a chance to defend himself. The story sold thousands of […] Read more

Thank you from the losers, Harold Ramis

“It’s hard for winners to do comedy. Comedy is inherently subversive. We represent the underdog as comedy usually speaks for the lower classes. We attack the winners.”- Harold Ramis Harold Ramis passed away yesterday and that is sad. The passing of a celebrity usually doesn’t affect me, but there’s a part of me that’s going […] Read more

Howlin’ on the Crow

When your troubles in this fallen world grow and grow Blast them all away with heaps of The Wolf ‘n Crow Far too many people never get to fulfill their destinies. When you see someone who is a genius in their field, you’re witnessing fate at its most noble level. Watching Neil Young make ears […] Read more

Olympic Closing Ceremonies – A Prediction

Another Winter Olympiad is drawing to a close, and I think the world’s reaction is, “well, that was definitely something.” Countries that were supposed to do well did well. Countries that had no chance contributed new footage to the “agony of defeat” reel. It goes without saying that if given the choice, Russia would want […] Read more

There’s No Coffee in that Cake

For those of you that don’t know, I am a High School Culinary Arts teacher. Yes, we trust teenagers with knives, risky I know. But we do. Anyway, this week my students and I have a breakfast catering, if you don’t know what catering is it’s where someone makes food for someone and brings it […] Read more

A LEGO Beginner’s Guide To LEGROPING

I am a LEGO fan. I still have my old bricks dating back to the 70’s, including those funky Duplo arches that looked kind of like the old Hilton logo. Brothers Brick is part of my daily internet news routine. And I so very much want that super-awesome Architecture Studio set. I don’t rank anywhere […] Read more

vs. Swaggering

I was born a Canadian. That means that politeness, humility and a love of donuts is encoded into my DNA right in between all the other genes that scream beer. Now, I am awesome at being humble. Every now and then I wish I wasn’t so good at it, but it’s kind of expected of […] Read more

Sax’ed Out

There’s always something musical instrument-ish going on in our house, largely due to the piano in the middle of the living room.  My kids take lessons every week. It’s always fun to hear them go from the “That Sorta Sounds Like ‘Moon River’” stage to the “I Totally Recognize That…and it Isn’t Even Close to […] Read more

Don’t Believe the Hype

In 2007, Bride and I purchased our first home. It was a modest 3-bedroom that needed some work so we got it at a good price and set about doing interesting and fun projects to update it. We did a bit of landscaping and I found a textured paint to cover the brick fireplace which the […] Read more

Giveaway – Tortugas Rising

To celebrate Valentine’s Day in no way what so ever, I’m giving away a signed copy of Tortugas Rising. You can enter to win the book over at Goodreads.


Valentine’s Day sucks. I wrote a song under that title back in my single days. It was a catchy little ditty. No, I won’t force you to listen to my whining and annoying groans of heartbreak. But back then, it definitely did suck…and not in the fun way. I hid myself away from the constant […] Read more

Why Mel Brooks is wrong

Dear Husbands, This may be the last time I write for DumbWhiteHusband.com. Today, I tell my fellow manly men writers that they are wrong about Mel Brooks, and then I go into hiding. Y’all are wrong about Mel being funny. You know what you get when you Google “hate Mel Brooks?” You get nothing — […] Read more

The Care and Feeding of Super Heroes and Beauty Queens

Let me be the first to say that I never thought I’d be interested in something as boring as food. I am not a foodie.  Five years ago if you’d asked me what my final meal would be if I was a death row inmate I would have told you a McDonald’s Number Four – […] Read more

vs. The Lego Movie

I want to say I saw the Lego movie this weekend. And, I did technically see it. I sat in a theater with my family and watched the movie and it was great. But, I don’t think I can say I saw it. There is just so much going on always that I’m sure I […] Read more

Something a Bit Different

In the interest of purging the manic creative impulse that doesn’t seem to want to leave me alone, I don’t just write ridiculous things; I draw and paint them, too.  Granted, the imagery is slightly less ridiculous than the wordcraft…tends toward a more storybook fantasy-slash-surrealism-slash-“what was in those brownies and why do I feel so […] Read more

Who’s Your Daddy?

Jack, Jim, Maker’s, Ten High, Gold Johnny Walker’sAll bow before my Old Granddad’s Straight TalkerI hate it when outsiders start pontificating about the history of my fair island and ranking the leaders we’ve had there. Especially the British. That said, I feel that the Yanks are severely delusional in ranking their Presidents. With the advent […] Read more

The Hunger Games Are Cooler Than The Olympic Games

Whoa, whoa ,whoa – before you get your underthings in a twist, let me explain. I am not condoning the open-air melee of preteens vying for a chance to smite at each other in order to earn food for their homeland. Nor am I diminishing the efforts and sacrifices made by the finely tuned humans […] Read more