No one has ever accused me of being too quick, so forgive me that I’m coming to this so late in the game, but I finally get it. I finally get the Ten Commandments.
I knew them. And I followed them faithfully, generally. But it wasn’t until I heard Hear Comes Santa Clause over the holidays that I finally really got it.
Specifically it was the line “we’re all God’s children.” God was a father and the Ten are not any different than any thing any other dad has said. He just says it a lot cooler and can back his words better than any of us with the whole eternal damnation thing.
Commandment: Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Commandment: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
Today’s equivalent: What’s that? A picture of mommy? Where am I? Why didn’t you draw a picture of me? Stop crying and draw a picture of me.
Commandment: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
Today’s equivalent: How dare you talk to me like that. I am your father!
Commandment: Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
Today’s equivalent: Shut up and go watch TV. I bust my ass all week and Saturday is my day to sleep in.
Commandment: Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
Today’s equivalent: Okay, I’ve said the exact same thing. Even with the “thys” in there. And I try to say it in a booming voice that sounds like what I think God sounds like. I find that if you hang an acoustic guitar on the wall and yell near that you get a bonus reverb effect that seems to help.
Commandment: Thou shalt not kill
Today’s equivalent: Honestly, this hasn’t come up yet. But I’ve warned the boys about almost killing each other.
Commandment: Thou shalt not commit adultery.
For girls: ...because you’re going to get pregnant and ruin your life!
For boys: Keep it in your pants!
Commandment: Thou shalt not steal.
Today’s equivalent: Don’t touch my fries! You’ve got your own fries.
Commandment: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Today’s equivalent: Lie to me again and you’re going to your room.
Commandment: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.
Today’s equivalent: Just because Jimmy has an XBox One doesn’t mean you need one. We haven’t talked about his ass yet.
When you look at them through a dad’s eyes, every one of them makes perfect sense.
This week on Dumb White Husband