Ask A Dumb White Husband - Coffee vs. Coffee

Why is Dunkin' Donuts coffee so much better than Starbucks?

                                                        -Sincerely, "Sittin' and sippin' at Dunkin'"


Dear SSD,

This is a very astute observation. Though the difference in coffee should be obvious to most, many of us are not alert enough to tell the difference that early in the morning. This helps, in part, to explain the success of Starbucks. If the consuming public was more alert at 6 AM, they may have to make a better brew rather than just be there on every corner of the planet.

While the answer to your question may seem obvious—there’s donuts around—it’s a little more complicated than that. Next to all purpose Goop, coffee is the most amazing liquid on Earth. Its transformative properties are unparalleled. Can the smell of milk make us want to get out of bed? No. Can one share a fresh brewed pot of lemonade with friends? No. Can water turn an intolerable asshole into a barely tolerable asshole? No. Not even if you shoot the jerk in the face with a fire hose.

One of the properties that makes coffee so amazing is its osmotic ability. It takes in its surroundings to add to the flavor and enjoyment of the brew. Surround it with a love of life and you’ll get a wonderful cup. Surround it with bitterness and you get a bitter cup of coffee.
  
While many may say that Starbucks buys the worst beans and burns the crap out of them, this is not why it tastes so bad.

Look at the environment in which it's made.

Everyone there is in a hurry. They’re running late to get to their jobs. And they don’t wait until they get to work to stress. They start doing that just after the alarm. They're also confused as to why they’re paying so much for a cup of tasteless joe but they can’t really process the math as they are still asleep. Only once the caffeine has kicked in do they realize their error.

In a donut shop, coffee takes in the deliciousness and fun of nature’s most perfect food, the donut. Add to this the joy people feel when eating donuts and you have a perfect recipe for awesome coffee. Show me a person that isn’t happy eating a donut and I’ll show you someone who should be at Starbucks. Or a bagel shop.

Once you factor in the ambiance and customer base of each of the retailers, there really is no comparison.

So, in conclusion, Donut Shop Coffee is better because it is made with delicious coffee beans, jelly filled goodness, chocolate smothered wonder, happiness, joy and delight while Starbucks is brewed with rumored-to-be shitty beans, stress, guilt, despair and the inherent self-loathing of the world’s work force.

Go with the Joe from donut shop.

-dwhben

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