|Even if you do this.|
Hey, young folk. We get it. We really do. You’re new at this whole grownup thing and any little bit of responsibility beyond tying your own shoes seems like a Sisyphean task. We’ve all been there. We understand. But, here’s why you’re pissing us off when you say having a pet is just like having a kid.
Don’t deny that you do it. I hear it all the time. A group of folks are going out after work and someone says, “I have to go home and feed [some lame dog’s name] first. You know? It’s just like having a kid.” Now, we know you’re not that stupid. After all, you were able to dress yourself. Certainly you must know there is a difference. But, just in case, let us give you just a couple of examples of how wrong you are:
5. Going out with a pet - You stop at home, feed the pet, let the pet pee, pet the pet and then go out and spend the night making poor decisions that begin with mixing Red Bull and alcohol.
Going out with a kid - You stop at home, you feed the kid, wipe up the food from the kid, table, floor, your sleeve and, somehow, behind your ear. Then the kid pees and you wipe up the pee, put the kid in pajamas. The kid craps the pajamas. You clean up the crap and change the pajamas. You fight with the kid to go to sleep and collapse too tired to drink. And you NEVER FRIGGIN’ LEAVE.
4. Pet is “angry” at you - The pet poops in your shoe.
Kid is angry at you - The kid throws a tantrum that leads you to believe in possession. They sneak out of the house and take the car without asking. They become huge fans of crappy music and date losers just because you hate them. They grow up, get pets and complain that it’s just like a kid. They start a meth lab in a trailer in the woods with the smart kid from the neighborhood who ended up majoring in “chemistry.” They become lawyers. And, they poop in your shoe.
3. Pet gets sick - You wipe up the kennel.
Kid gets sick - You call in sick to work because the kid can’t go to day care or school with a fever. You watch them get sick. You clean it up. You listen to their sobs. You watch them suffer, unable to even express how they feel. They get sick. You clean it up. The fever breaks and they get better. You call in sick to work the next day, because, even though the kid is better, no day care or school will take them until they’ve been fever-free for 24 hours so now you’re stuck at home with a well kid which is somehow worse than a sick kid. The next day they go back to school. Then you get sick.
2. You let your pets out into the world - You worry they might sniff someone’s crotch or hump someone’s leg.
You let your kids out into the world - You worry they might say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, repeat what you said to the exact person that you didn’t want to hear it, not make any friends, make the wrong friends, be the outcast, be the smelly kid, get bullied, drop the f-word in kindergarten class (it happens and even if they use it in proper context they suspend them), trust the wrong people, wear stupid clothes, steal, get mixed up in the wrong crowd, become the leader of the wrong crowd, get brought home in a squad car, get hurt, get their heart broken, never leave home, say something stupid like “having a pet is just like having a kid,” or sniff someone’s crotch ... on a video ... on YouTube.
1. Pet sees you doing it - You kick the pet out of the room. Or you don’t—I don’t know what you’re into.
Kid sees you doing it - You have the most awkward conversation you’ll ever have in your life and make up some lie about how it was some game that mommies and daddies play and then they a) tell their friends and their parents about how you play the game or b) try to play the game with their friends which leads to an even more awkward conversation with other adults who probably won’t talk to you much after that. (I imagine. We lock the door. And put something heavy against it. And turn up the TV.)
So, you’re right. Having pets is just like having a kid with the exception that it’s not even remotely like it at all in any way.
So stop saying it.
You’re embarrassing your parents.
These are just a few examples. In what other ways are pets and kids not at all alike?
Today's post is brought to you by $5 February. Be cheap and expose yourself to our readers.