Somewhere along the way I developed an odd habit.
A truly dumb white husband habit, if you will.
I have apparently developed a habit in which if you randomly shove food at my lips then I will likely simply open my mouth and accept it.
How could this possibly backfire?
Now I don’t think this would work with just anyone. I’m pretty sure there is a level of trust involved in this. If my boss walked up to me and tried shoving something into my mouth, I’m pretty sure I’d punch him. Or at least give him a pretty severe ‘what in the hell is wrong with you?’ glare as I mentally composed my email to HR.
I just recently took a new job and they don’t allow direct deposit until your second pay period. Your first check comes on a debit card. As a dumb white husband that lives paycheck to paycheck this is annoying because payday is also “pay the bills” day. I needed to get to the bank first thing in the morning to transfer the funds from that debit card to my bank account.
I dropped the twins off at school and waited for my wife to finish her jog because she had some business at the bank too. She returned, showered, threw herself together and we headed out.
Along the way she pops a mint and offers me one. Presumably just because she’s considerate and not because I was needed one. That’s my story anyway.
Without warning something is pushed at my lips. It smells minty but I’m attempting a left hand turn and distracted so I just let her push another mint into my mouth.
But not just any mint.
The mint she had just had in her mouth.
It is right about then that I realize what has happened. She had determined that her mouth is not going to be remedied by a “curiously strong mint.” Her mouth, according to her thinking, requires scrubbing. Apparently, the only appropriate thing to do is to jettison the unsatisfactory, tainted mint and dispose of it.
Where could she put this mint that has already been swimming in her saliva?
Maybe a napkin. Maybe the fact that its biodegradable means it would be okay to toss out the window. Perhaps she could hang onto it until she has finished brushing her teeth. Maybe there is some place more ideal. But all of that is in retrospect.
I can’t tell you where she should have put that mint, but I can tell you where she did put it: into my mouth.
That fact alone would turn some people’s stomach. And I get that, but the fact that she did this to me didn’t garner as much interest as the question of why. I’m more interested in what her thought process would have sounded like verbalized.
Maybe she ran her tongue over her teeth and thought: “Oh yikes. My mouth tastes really gross after that run. This mint isn’t going to cut it. Should I chew it? Yeah right, that’s like 3.5 calories wasted. I don’t want to waste it. Maybe Dusty will take it. Yeah, I bet he’ll take it. He eats food off the floor as long as it hasn’t been 3 seconds. He’d probably eat a buffalo wing that fell under the table of a restaurant. What the hell. I won’t even give him the option. I’ll just press it against his lips. Yep. Oh my god, who does that?”
I do that.
So yeahhhh – that was my shameful self-discovery.
What odd self-discoveries have you made? And please let’s try to keep these findings post-puberty. All publically-aired self-discovery stories shared with the Internet masses should avoid that puberty time period all together.
It’s just one of those unwritten rules.
Or it should be.
Thank you, Dusty. Be sure to visit Dusty at the Dusty Blog.