Better than flowers

Valentine’s Day is coming up so, it’s time to order the flowers, right?

C’mon, guys. We can do better than flowers. Flowers are the expected. Flowers are nature’s way of saying, “I didn’t really put much thought into this.” This year, show her that you really care. Show her that you really thought about the gift.



Take chocolate. Chocolate tastes way better than flowers. Yes, it’s the other staple of Valentine’s Day but don’t think you have to go with the heart-shaped sampler. If chocolate is to be your symbol of love, make sure she knows you really, really love her.

5 lbs. should do the trick

All the other wives will be picking tiny chocolates out of a surprisingly noisy plastic tray while she can point to the massive bar and say, “he loves me this much.” It’s perfect.

Unless she’s on a diet. Then a 5 lb. chocolate bar is more like a 5lb. test of will. She’ll hate that you made her break. So let’s scrap the chocolate.

Okay, so, if she’s trying to lose weight, maybe you should support her. Show a little encouragement. How about some nice workout clothes? Sure, that would show her that a) your paying attention and b) you’re supportive. You know that she’ll look great in them and it’s way better than flowers.

Unless, she misreads it as a hint that you think she needs to lose weight. In that case she may turn her exercise focus to strength training just to kick your ass a little harder. And, it’s embarrassing to lose a fight to someone who takes a spin class, so maybe we’d better skip this one, too.

Maybe we go the other way with. Let’s reassure her that you think she’s perfect just the way she is. Get her something that says I think your sweet and there’s no need to diet or exercise.  What better way to say that than a set of banana split bowls?

Nothing says, “I don’t think you're fat” like ice cream gifts.

Unless, she sees the bowls as some kind of a suggestion that she needs to make more desserts or spend more time in the kitchen. And, really, they’re just another dish to wash which “you won’t have to worry about, because you never help with the dishes.” Yeah, she’s probably going to break the glass bowls over your head. And then you’ll have to clean up all the glass. And you know the vacuum sucks because she’s always complaining about it.

Aha! A new vacuum. 

But not just any vacuum. A ridiculously expensive vacuum. One that never loses suction. Your paying attention. You’ve seen the movies she likes. Based on the lead actors in most chick flicks, all women love British things that suck. Get her a Dyson, it’s like Hugh Grant, Gerard Butler and Cumber-what's-his-name all rolled into one unstoppable suckfest.

 directed by Gary Marshall

Unless ... there is the slight chance that this can be seen as a criticism of how she keeps house. At best she’ll smile and tell you that you’re going to enjoy vacuuming from now on. At worst you’ll experience the “never loses suction” thing first hand until you’re able to stop screaming and unplug the thing from the wall.

There's got to be something better than flowers.

How about a day at the spa? Get her a massage? No. She’ll just point out how you never rub her back.

A day out of the house? Why? So she can clean up your mess when she gets home?

Her favorite TV series on DVD? Like she’s going to have time to watch that ... what with watching the kids and picking up after you all day!

Some sexy underwear? Don’t you know how uncomfortable that stuff is? You try walking around with a string splitting your crack and see how you like it, you sexist pig!

Coupon book of chores you’ll do? Shouldn’t you be doing those things anyway? Why should she need a coupon book to get a little help around here?

A gift card? What is she, your niece? You can’t put enough thought into a gift so she has to pick out her own? Like she doesn’t have enough to do. Don’t you know her well enough to get her something that she’ll like? Why can’t you just get her something she’ll appreciate? What kind of husband are you anyway?!

Oh, the hell with it. Get her flowers. Often.

This flowers of the month thing should do it.

-dwhben