Note: This is a guest post from Robert Hookey, author of The Bellman Chronicles: Shining a Light on Mankind's Missteps from the Trenches...
Let's face it, we're men, we know beans about shopping - for other people, that is. So here is a list of items guaranteed to make you the Most Popular Dad of All Time.
An alien invasion. Did I mention the aliens' only agenda is to plunder the Earth of all its vegetables?
Instantaneous knowledge of the full grade-school curriculum - and beyond. Thus, no school again. Ever.
A device designed to control the aging process. That way, no child would ever be the youngest. Being the youngest can really suck.
Spiderman's spider-sense. This would fit the bill nicely until the aging device is perfected. Noogies, wet willys, wedgies, every older sibling torture tactic known to man would be rendered useless and a Golden Age of childhood would be declared.
A force-field belt with environmental controls. Snowball fights in the dead of winter would take on a whole new dynamic...
Nolan Ryan's pitching arm. This one has advantages beyond the aforementioned snowball fights; besides, its fun to throw rocks at stuff.
A legal document proving once once for all, that you're not the boss of me and scientific proof that you're not so big.
One week in the life of a teen idol. Don't worry, living as LiLo or Justin for thirty days will scare your kids straight. Forever. They'll soon realize bouncing in and out of rehab, dodging paparazzi - not to mention kissing Samantha Ronson - isn't all its cracked up to be.
And finally, there are two remaining items your child wants:
Your love and friendship. Spend time with them (learn to like them if you have to), not just in front of the TV, but pursuing whatever makes them happy. Expose them to the things that made you happy as a kid, do the things your dad never had time for. If necessary, be the dad you never had.
The chance to be kids. Don't kid yourself, your kids know all about the recent events in Newtown, Connecticut. They may not know much, but they know enough to be afraid of the horrors that aren't so far away anymore. You can't change the world, but you can start working on your little corner. And that's a good start.
I hope you've enjoyed this look at your childrens' ultimate wish list. My name is Robert Hookey, but you can call me The Hook, everyone else does. I'm a husband, a dad, and a superhero - in my mind. I'm also a bellman/starving author. My first book, The Bellman Chronicles, details my daily adventures in the Canadian hospitality mecca that is modern-day Niagara Falls, and is available on Amazon and for the Kindle.
Its a great read, even if you're sober.