What I Really Want for Christmas

Note: This is a guest post from Robert Hookey, author of The Bellman Chronicles: Shining a Light on Mankind's Missteps from the Trenches... in which he wishes for some very practical things.

It’s that time of year again, guys: after-shave, ties and God-awful sweaters are the order of the day. If I could only walk away from the holidays with these goodies…

A lair. I hate the term “man cave”. Caves have spiders!

Teleportation technology. Every man reading this is imagining a million scenarios where this would be invaluable. Just imagine the blind date fiascos this could prevent. I once met a girl who felt "her body belonged to the All-Mighty". Yep. She told me so as she down wine spritzers. All night. I could have just "popped" right out of there and she would have thought Jesus was bringing me home...

A clone. Michael Keaton may not have been able to pull it off in Multiplicity, but I could make it work, right?

Ultra-cool wheels. A Batmobile would do nicely.

A tank. Not to drive around town, mind you. I'd just park it in the driveway and those little punks down the street would never egg my house again.

Force-field technology. A portable model to keep my over-affectionate aunts at bay and a larger model to protect the house and yard. Just in case those little punks down the street have older brothers.

Smoke bombs. When I need to make a quick getaway and my teleporter is on the fritz…

A utility belt. Yes, I’m a comic book fan. Wanna yell about it? Nerds can’t fight!

A handyman robot sidekick.
One that knows his way around every household chore from fixing a sink to building a deck. I've pretty much run out of excuses to avoid my wife's "To-Do list" by now. He should be waterproof, too. There’s snow to be shoveled in the winter, remember…

Portable wormhole technology. No matter where I hide it, the wife always find my porn, I mean my "erotic drama" stash, so this would be the ultimate gift for the guy who has everything but carpal tunnel….

I hope you've enjoyed this look at my ultimate wish list. My name is Robert Hookey, but you can call me The Hook, everyone else does. I'm a husband, a dad, and a superhero - in my mind. I'm also a bellman/starving author. My first book, The Bellman Chronicles, details my daily adventures in the Canadian hospitality mecca that is modern-day Niagara Falls, and is available on Amazon and for the Kindle.

Its a great read, even if you're sober.

Big thanks to Robert for sharing his Christmas list. You can also follow him on Twitter at . If you'd like to share something here on Dumb White Husband, check this out.


  1. ...and now Amazon is being overwhelmed by readers searching for all of these items...

    Merry Christmas Hook, and hope you get all of these and more!

  2. I, too, would like a utility belt--not just any, naturally, but the kind Batman would wear! :)